Marshall &Kay Family Histories
B.VAUGHN MARSHALL
1989 - 1991
PAIN
We were returning from a visit at our sons place when Vaughn started having severe pain between his shoulder blades. It became so severe that he pulled the car over and asked me to drive. My driving always made him nervous so I knew he must really be in trouble. He got in the back of the car and said the pain was so severe that he couldn't move and it hurt to breath. I was going to take him to the emergency room—I was really frightened. Before I could get to a freeway exit the pain began to get better and he told me to just keep driving home. The episode scared us both and it didn't take much persuasion to get him to go see the doctor and have his heart checked. The doctor did blood work, an EKG and sent him to have a stress test done. All the results appeared to be normal so the doctor told him that it was probably an anxiety attack. He was given lots of advice about handling stress etc. He didn’t really mind the diagnosis but felt a little embarrassed that we thought he might have had a heart problem. I was a little confused but didn’t want to think that he might have a heart condition so we both accepted the anxiety explanation. He continued to have the pains in his back every so often but none were as severe as that first one in the car. He continued to try to find ways to handle stress better believing that he was still having anxiety attacks.
A BLESSING - AND A.D.D.
Then in late 1991 our second daughter came to visit with us for a while. She had been in the hospital and had been treated for a severe depression. When she was released she just wanted to come here to relax for a while. We felt badly that she had to have that experience, but the information she shared with us was a wonderful blessing. The psychiatrist she talked with told her that he thought she had Attention Deficit Disorder. She said that the doctor mentioned that often other members of the family might also have ADD. We had no idea what it was but thought we ought to find out whatever we could. We found a book about it and started reading. Vaughn said it was like reading about himself. It was such a blessing because at last there was an explanation for his lack of concentration, depression and fatigue and many other things. He thought it might even be responsible for the anxiety attacks. At last it had a name and it had a treatment----there was hope where there had been none. Adult ADD was not well recognized at that time. We were insured with Group Health and luckily they were doing studies on Adult ADD. Vaughn was assigned a psychologist who counseled with him for a few weeks and then recommended that he be medicated. The medication helped him enormously. He told me that at last he could focus on something and the depression and fatigue were lifted. He also understood now why the medication given to him years ago caused such problems. It was the wrong kind of medication for ADD, and in fact, only aggravated the depression. Vaughn kept feeling that it was such a blessing to have a diagnosis and to be helped with the correct medication.
As time went on he found that there was a great deal more to ADD than he thought at first. In a nutshell, Vaughn learned that the medication did not cure the whole problem. It definitely helped a lot and made it possible for him to “carry on”. He learned that there were some feelings that ADD people develop over the years that are very hard to overcome. These attitudes usually develop as a result of “growing up” with ADD. In Vaughn’s case he was highly intelligent and always got good grades but in spite of that, he had developed a very low self-esteem and often had strong feelings of depression. According to the ADD literature this often happens because the brain misinterprets or is confused by what is taking place, or being said, and the result is that the individual feels “ stupid” --- on the “outside of things”. This often carries over to relationships with people and can encourage the negative feelings a person has about himself or herself. For most of his life he had been able to mask those feelings but the older he got, the more difficult it became. This whole process is not anyone’s fault. It’s simply one of the things that happen when there’s a biological problem in the way the brain functions. I know these things happened to Vaughn because he talked to me about them. I also know that he would want me to share this part of his personal history if in any way it might help one of his children or grandchildren. One of the particularly annoying things that he had to deal with was something called” ruminating”. (We didn’t know that it had a name at the time.) He talked to me many times about it and tried so hard to break or stop the cycle. It has only been recently that I have read more on the subject and found that this is one of the major problems that ADD people are plagued with.
Quotes
I’m going to quote from the material I read for a special reason which I’ll explain in a moment. (This is taken from the book “Driven To Distraction”)
“ One patient’s description: ‘ The minute I have my mind cleared of one problem, I go out and look for another. They are usually really stupid things like an unpaid bill or something someone has said to me two days before. But I brood over them until they ruin my whole mood.’ “
This tendency to organize around worry is common to many people from time to time but in the ADD person it is often very persistent and almost compulsive. Generally the individual doesn’t know why they’re doing it. One explanation for this ruminative, often extremely painful style of thinking, has to do with what we call the startle response in ADD. It is a sequence of events that goes as follows:
1. Something “startles” the brain. It may be a transition, like waking up, or going from one appointment to the next, or it may be the completion of a task, or it may be, and usually is, trivial, but the “startle” requires some reorganization on the part of the brain.
2. A minipanic ensues. The mind doesn’t know where to look or what to do. It has been focused on one thing and is now being asked to change sets. This is very disorganizing. So the mind reaches out for something red-hot, something to focus on. Since worry is so “hot” and therefore so organizing, the mind finds something to worry about.
3. Anxious rumination replaces panic. While anxious rumination is painful, it is at least organized. A person can play something over and over in their mind like, ”Will I get my taxes paid on time?” or “Why did I do that yesterday?” or “What did that look she gave me really mean?” The panic induced by the startle is replaced by the focused ache of anxious rumination.
The whole point of the sequence is to avoid chaos. No one likes chaos, but most people can endure milliseconds, or even seconds, of it as they go from one task to another, one state to another, one stimulus to another. The ADD mind often cannot. Instead, it fixates on worry and gets organized—or stuck---around it.”
(The article went on to suggest ways to break the cycle or sidetrack it altogether.)
Now it may sound like I’m trying to write a paper on ADD but I’m really not. I’ve included the previous information because when I read it, it was like a ‘light bulb’ suddenly turned on in my brain. You know the feeling; I understood something about Vaughn in a way that I had not before. Vaughn wrote a vivid description of this ruminating cycle in his novel. It was written before either of us knew anything about ADD. He took one of his characters, Doc Jennings, and made him go through the whole process. Vaughn knew how to write about the experience because he had gone through it so many times. He understood it well. When I first read his novel I didn’t pick up on what he had written. I thought it was just part of telling who Doc Jennings was. But I understand better now what Vaughn was really relating. He was sharing his own painful experience. So, for those in the family that are interested, I’m going to include what he wrote. For those who are not interested, just skip this part and go on with his history. (But you’ll miss a good piece of writing.) The scene opens on a group of men visiting and playing cards in the mess hall. Doc Jennings is seated by himself.
“Doc Jennings’ mind was somewhere else.
Jennings’ eyes were riveted to page one hundred sixteen of the book he intended to use as a reference in his next lecture series. He had not turned the page during the last ten minutes. At least seven or eight times he had tried to absorb the first paragraph.
He tightly closed and then opened his eyes, and shook his head in an effort to redirect his thoughts where he wanted. Concentrating again on the first paragraph, he forcefully read and emphasized each word to hammer home their meaning. The second sentence - - - then the third. He envisioned a similar scene with Mills relaxed against a wall, reading Doc’s journal, chuckling and smiling to himself, and extracting each word as if it were meant for him. In a general sense, Doc knew the picture was accurate; it was of no consequence if the details were not - - - -
Mills sat down and wrote a letter to Jennings’ wife outlining Doc’s failures as a husband. He wrote about how he did not care for her as much as his own career and had no love for their children - - - -
Next he wrote to the university to expose the Doc’s incompetency and explain that Jennings was no longer able to do marine biology studies because he had lost the power to think! HE was outdated! He added other items which were not true but believable - - - and he revealed an affair Jennings had years ago with a woman in Fairbanks - - - - an affair Mills could not possibly know of - -
‘THERE ARE SECRETS YOU ARE HIDING. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW.’
It is nonsense, thought Jennings. Mills did not do these vile things; he only read my mail and then made some false and foolish charges! (This had happened earlier in the novel.) HE couldn’t have read my journal. Why do I expand on him this way? Sure, I hate the weird stuff he pulls, but the guy is probably more sick than dangerous.
Reasoning did not squelch the hatred.
The guy also may have the addresses of my children from letters.
The Mills of his mind talked to him. “Doc, you know I don’t have to send these letters. If we were to have some understanding and an adequate price. I’m a very sympathetic and reasonable man.”
Doc imagined this too, as he stared at the book. Crystal’s not the place he will attempt that, maybe later. He knew what was happening. HE knew that his difficulties predated Mills; that although Mills multiplied the confusion he had not precipitated the problem. Mills, however, was capable of everything Doc pictured him doing, and more.
He knew that also - - - -
The play continued to unfold with scenes he had created and witnessed countless times before. He mixed a barrel of fantasy with a cup of fact without fooling himself in the least. The same as Mills? No, I’m hurting only myself, reasoned Jennings; I’m not spreading lies. But I’m feeding on hate - - - and I don’t know why.
I know this, when the curtain is raised the flood begins, and I can’t resist the flow. I have to endure it until it runs its course and my emotions are exhausted - - - then I can relax and have some peace.”
As I mentioned, Vaughn found that there was more to ADD. One of the other things he discovered was that it seldom occurred alone. In his case he was diagnosed as having a sleep disorder also. It was harder treating that; a lot of the treatment involved learning to handle stress differently than he had, especially in the evenings. As time went on it was more difficult for him to enjoy himself in large social situations. It was exhausting for him because his brain would register all the activities going on around him without filtering out any of the unnecessary information. Some people misunderstood this as a desire to not be a ‘part of things’. It took me a long time to understand how ADD affected him. But Vaughn felt it was a good thing that he knew what the problem was. He shared his diagnosis with all his children and I think it was a great help to most of them also.